A Better Story - some thoughts on editing my life

(The purpose of this post is twofold: first to promote the upcoming Living a Better Story Seminar featuring Donald Miller, based on his book, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. I highly recommend this book.  Second, I'm entering a contest to win a trip for two to attend this seminar by blogging about the kind of story I want to live and how I think this seminar might help me to live out a better story.)

Life is a battle between faith and reason in which each feeds upon the other, drawing sustenance from it and destroying it. ~ Reinhold Niebuhr

Life has been a battle lately.  The sources of stability in my life - faith, career, family, even church, have all been shaken.  In the past year, both my wife and I lost our jobs due to organizational downsizing. My wife has since found a new career whilst I'm in my seventh month of searching. My layoff was not unexpected, but it was particularly painful because of the way in which it was carried out. The aftermath has truly challenged my faith - to forgive, heal, and trust. Amidst the uncertainty, there exists within my soul an inner conflict between the voices of reason in my head and the spiritual convictions within my heart. It feels sometimes as if the sources that sustain are being sucked right out of me.

There is also a third voice within that is growing louder and slowly weakening my faith and reason - fear.  As the current U.S. economy teeters between recovery or a second downturn, I've come face-to-face with the reality that I'm not in control and that I've lived my adult life in a safe bubble.  I can identify with Donald's words from his book:

"I thought of fear as a subtle suggestion in our subconscious designed to keep us safe, or more important, keep us from getting humiliated... But fear isn't only a guide to keep us safe; it's also a manipulative emotion that can trick us into living a boring life."

I'm fearful for several reasons - first, I don't want to live in a bubble anymore.  I'm turning 50 next month. My time remaining is short and there is a hole within my soul that is longing for something more than just a safe, boring life.  My hobbies and passions sit like in a box on a shelf gathering dust. I somehow became too busy during prosperity and too numb during downturns to even bother.  There is a sense of lost identity.

Secondly, I live in Michigan, where the unemployment rate is amongst the highest in the country. Labor statistics suggest that because of my age, I will probably have to discover or invent a new career rather than find something familiar based on my previous job experience. I'm not a young man anymore and companies prefer to hire the young at a lower wage, rather than pay for experience. Furthermore, consumer prices have fallen for 3 consecutive months. Joblessness has increased for 2 consecutive months. Wages have diminished 0.7% from a year ago. We are in the midst of deflation which will slow the private sector's hiring and consumer's buying confidence.

Thirdly, my daughter starts high school next week. She is my only child and represents my only opportunity to raise her towards a healthy, independent, and fulfilling story of her own. As she lives through her formative teenage years and transitions into adulthood, she needs the example of a father living a meaningful story, rather than a boring mundane life punctuated by the paralysis of fear and uncertainty.

So what do I want to do? 

I recently saw an impactful movie where the protagonist faced his main antagonist - which in this case was himself and his inner conflict. His search for answers led him to discover the difference between choosing a life versus just living a life. In other words, choosing a better story or just accepting to live a story.

If the life we choose tells a story, then I want to choose to live a better story – free from the boredom and idleness induced by fear, and replaced with memorable scenes of risk, opportunity, love, beauty and a compelling narrative. Whether that means managing a product, leading a team, or driving a truck, it doesn’t matter.

I’m seeking a new career, renewed health, a stronger marriage, and bonding memories with my child.  In all, better stories to influence my family for them to live their lives through. I feel helpless just sitting in front of a laptop screen searching for answers by submitting résumés for jobs that get no response. There has to be a better way to live a story.

Therefore the opportunity to attend this seminar is of great personal interest to further grasp the concept of story and how it defines our history – our greater life story. To better understand the differences between acceptance and choice and how this affects not only ourselves, but others as well. Also, what role does our community, friendships and faith play in our decisions?

I believe we are defined by the things we pursue and the things we celebrate. My life has been a story in the  pursuit of safety and a celebration of the mundane.  Sure, I've done some interesting things, but too often it seems with the intent of pleasing others while missing opportunities. 

Two weeks ago, I read something very surprising.  Jerry Rice, one of the greatest athletes to ever play professional football was inducted into the NFL Hall of Fame. In his Hall of Fame speech, he said the following:

"I'm here to tell you that the fear of failure is the engine that has driven me throughout my entire life. It flies in the faces of all these sports psychologists who say you have to let go of your fears to be successful and that negative thoughts will diminish performance. But not wanting to disappoint my parents, and later my coaches, teammates and fans, is what pushed me to be successful ... The reason nobody caught me from behind is because I ran scared. People are always surprised how insecure I was. But I was always in search of that perfect game, and I never got it. Even if I caught 10 of 12 passes, or two or three touchdowns in the Super Bowl, I would dwell on the one pass I dropped ... If I have one single regret about my career standing here today, it's that I never took the time to enjoy it.'' ~ Jerry Rice, August 7, 2010

In Jerry's own personal narrative, he was not defined by the memorable scenes of successful pursuit or celebration, but rather by fear, approval and perfection.  His life is a highlight reel with scenes of athletic accomplishment.  As Donald wrote, memorable scenes don't make a story, they "punctuate the existing rise and fall of narrative." 

I will never be inducted into any hall of fame.  But I want to choose to live a better story, rather than just exist in one.  Whatever path I feel God calling me down, I want to enjoy it scene-by-scene and moment-by-moment without regret.

"The worst sorrows in life are not in its losses and misfortunes, but its fears." ~ Arthur Christopher Benson

Below is the promotional video for the seminar.

Living a Better Story Seminar from All Things Converge Podcast on Vimeo.